The Origins of the Mobs
by Lord Lizalfos
Summary: A series of humorous one-shots about why the enemies do what they do. This chapter: Spider! Next one: ? Warning: May contain lethal amounts of fourth-wall breaking, cheesy OCs, cross-references and peanuts. You've been warned.
1. Endermen

**A/N: This is going to be a series of one-shots that I'm making with some funny theories I've thought up about how the Minecraft mobs began...this episode: Endermen! Also, I don't own Minecraft or Mojang. (do I really need to tell everyone this?)**

At the End, the Endermen were casually going about their business, talking to each other, practicing teleportation, and all that kind of junk until the Enderdragon came with news. "Endermen, I have an assignment for all of you. I need you to find out what...THIS IS!" He said as he over dramatically motioned to...a block of dirt. The Endermen let out collective oohs and ahs at the piece of dirt that somehow got there (don't ask me how). Afterward, they were wondering how to get this mysterious thing called...DIRT!

"I've heard that they're in the Nether," said an Enderman.

"Naw, dat's a rumor. Day're in the, uh... I forgot." This one's...well, you know,... slightly mentally impaired and all that...

"I know! We should ask the Player! Maybe he knows what it is."

"Yeah! Wait, 'ow can we ask 'im? He'll prob'ly run away."

"Oh, right...I know! Let's knock him out and FORCE him to talk to us! Then we'll know what that stuff is!"

"Sounds good to me! Let's go to 'is, uh, whatever it is and get 'im!

They immediately teleported out of the End and ended up right next to Steve's house. As soon as he saw the two Endermen, he stared at them with curiosity. You shouldn't have done that, Steve...

The next thing he knew, he was in the End, sitting on a chair (which just so happened to be tied up with chains). Then the first Enderman came and noticed Steve was awake. "Oh! You're finally awake! Now, tell us, what's THIS?!" He pointed to the block of dirt.

"You seriously brought me all the way to...whatever this place is...just to ask me what a BLOCK OF DIRT IS?!"

"Well, yeah. We kinda want to know what it is...so...What does it do?"

"It's a block of dirt. It just sits there. What did you think it did?"

"WOAH! COOL!"

Steve just facepalmed himself. Seriously? _They're *this* interested with this? Wow._

The other Enderman chimed in. "Oh, can you tell me wut dis is?" He pointed to a block of diamond.

"That's a-wait a minute! Where did you get that block of diamond?"

"Oh, I uh..." *Flashback* "'Ey, wut's dis shiny blue ting? Nobody's lookin'..." "Well, I kindasortadidn'tmeantotakeitfromthatthingthatyouli vein!"

"WHAT!? YOU STOLE IT FROM MY HOUSE?!"

"Oh, DAT's wut it's called! I was wondering wut it was. But it doesn't look very valuable, so...I'm gonna throw it into the Void!"

Steve just now passed out. When the Enderman threw the diamond block away, the rest of them began bowing down to the dirt.

"O, mighty dirt! You are brown and dirty! You will be our protector forever and ever!"

-End-

**A/N: So, what did you think? I'm entirely new to FanFiction (yep) and I could use some tips for writing fics. If you have any, PM me if you've got the time. Constructive criticism is appreciated; flames will be deleted. Thanks for reading! -LordLizalfos50775**


	2. Creeper

**A/N: Wow. It's been more than a month since I uploaded the Enderman chapter. I blame writer's block, school, my sister's graduation (OH, THE FEELS!), NWSC, promotion to janitor, and Obama. There you go. Anyway, the episode you've all been waiting for...is...finally...Oh wait, I'm getting hungry. I'll be right back.**

***20 minutes later***

**Anyway, without further ado, the episode you've all been waiting for...is...finally...did I ever mention I was left handed? Ok, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, here is the episode about the Creeper!**

* * *

"OH NO! I'm gonna be late for sociology class!" Creeper, after he alarmed himself with the...thing above, ate a hurried breakfast and ran (with tiny legs) to sociology class in Herobrine University. When he finally got there, he burst into the lecture room and ran (with tiny legs) to his seat.

"Mr. Creeper. You're late again...for the 23rd time in a row." An irritated Professor Enderman practically announced to the entire classroom.

"Just get on with the lesson. I have a doctor's appointment at 10:30."

"Fine. Today, we'll study myth to help understand other cultures. There's a myth that says there are giant...uh..." *Awkward silence* "Uh...er...WHAT THE HECK ARE THEY CALLED?!"

"People?" Creeper said plainly.

"Uh, YES! That's what they're called! Now, legend has it that-"

"Didn't you say it was a myth?"

"WOULD YOU STOP INTERRUPTING?! Now as I was saying, legend has it that there are giant...uh, people...that sit behind screens and read about our every move! In fact, they say that one of those people are reading about us right now!" Collective oohs and ahs went around the room.

"And that's not all! They say that there is an entire thing they call a website dedicated to people reading about other things' actions! They call it-*over dramatically* FanFiction!"

More oohs and ahs fill the room.

"Uhh, for what reason did you break the forth wall?" Mr. Creeper asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, you practically KNEW that one of those people were going to read this! Why did you even say that?"

"Well, the author told me to say it!"

**Hey! Leave me out of this!**

"Well, whoever the author is, he's one weird guy."

**...**

"Anyway, the legend also says that many of these people are obsessed with cats."

"Wait. WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Uh, cats?"

"CATS?!"

"Yes, cats."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" *Creeper has a flashback*

* * *

"Okay, Creeper! We need to leave you at Grandma's for a while. Be good while we're gone, OK?"

"OK, Mommy! This is going to be fun!"

Creeper immediately proceeded to play with the dog...and then he saw a cat.

"Oh! It's a little kitty! Come here so I can pet you!" He ran over to the cat and started petting it (with invisible arms), when suddenly...the cat licked Creeper!

"AUGH! IT'S GONNA EAT ME!" *End flashback*

"NO! NOT CATS! AUGH!" Creeper bolted out of the room, leaving everyone in the classroom wondering what just happened.

"What was that all about?"

"I don't know. Creeper's seriously afraid of cute, cuddly kitties? He's insane."

"I agree."

* * *

So now, Creeper has fled from civilization and lived a secluded life underground. He gets rather lonely with only himself around, so he'd enjoy some company. And ever since everyone found out about his secret, he's always been sad about both it and being forever alone. So remember kids, whenever you see Creeper, go and give him a hug. He'll just EXPLODE with joy!

* * *

**A/N: So, how was it? I don't really have any new ideas for next episode (as you might have seen in the summary) so please post a suggestion in the reviews section along with your review. Speaking of which, why not leave a review? They (sometimes) help me out with my writing skills, and what author doesn't want a good review? While I'm on the subject of it, here are some responses to the reviews I got (from bottom to top):**

**Guest 1: Thanks. I appreciate praises like that, but I could also use some tips on how I can improve. Still, thanks for reading!**

**Lightspeed7000: I GREATLY appreciate follows. And behold, the Creeper has passed you. Whoops. Anyway, thanks for reviewing!**

**Guest 2: True, it doesn't explain how the Endermen came to be. Rather, it explains why the mobs do what they do. The title is actually a knockoff of Darwin's "The Origins of the Species" in case if you haven't noticed (which there is a high chance that none of you did). Nonetheless, I appreciate you taking time to review.**

**By the way, did any of you know that Creepers are actually afraid of cats and ocelots? It played a pretty big role in this fic (obviously). Well, thanks for reading in case if you don't leave a review! Whew, what a workout for my fingers.**

**-Lord Lizalfos**

**EDIT: Apparently, FF didn't show in one of the quotations. They blocked their own website... O_o Anyway, I'm working on the next episode and will put it up as soon as possible. Thanks!**


	3. Spider

**Hello everyone! I know, it's been like, 3 months since I got the Creepers in. This was because of a uh...slight problem with my legs. Anyway, I decided to do Spiders because squids...are just total derps. (Unless your name is Skydoesminecraft, squids are just totally harmless) So...here you go. Spiderps. Also, I don't own Minecraft or Mythbusters or anything else that I refer to. I mean, it's FanFiction, right? Please don't sue me and DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME! (Also, there are some things weird enough in here to say "viewer discretion advised", so...)**

* * *

Mr. Barry Spider is a tiny mad scientist that lives in his parents' basement where he has access to his irresponsible parents' dangerous explosives and radioactive chemicals for some reason (Someone call the FBI!). One day, he was tinkering with C4, and after watching an episode of Mythbusters and completely ignoring the "don't try this at home" warning at the beginning of the show, he decided he was going to eat it and push a shiny red button (which is always a bad idea, BTW) and see what happens!

He blew up. What did you THINK would happen? Anyway, rewinding to earlier...

Mr. Barry Spider is a tiny mad scientist that lives in his parents' basement where he...Oh wait. You know already. Phooey. One day, he decided to steal his neighbor's dog and then went out to Mexican food for no related reason. When he was there...well, he ordered a burrito. And we ALL know what happens after you eat a burrito (Spoiler alert: You fart). So, Spider had a little bit of, uh...what's the most politically correct way to describe this?... OH! GAS! And thus, he had gas afterward. Wait! I just realized! The burrito has absolutely nothing to do with the main plot! Or does it? Anyway, he somehow put his neighbor's dog on a table and started to pour completely random chemicals into a beaker and he LAUGHED MANIACALLY! (What did you expect him to do? Giggle?) "Now, my EPIC potion of EPICNESS is complete! If I drink it, it will make me SUPER EPIC! Just wait till I tell-"

"HEY, BARRY! ARE YOU WEARING ANY PANTS?!"

"No..."

"OK, JUST CHECKING! MOMMY WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU, HONEEEEEEY!"

"I have such a loving mother."

After that uh...SLIGHT revelation about Spider's personality, he went back to his potion of EPICNESS. "Where was I? Oh yeah. The whole 'potion of EPICNESS' thing. Right. Ok. Here we go. *Ahem* Now, my EPIC potion of EPICNESS is-"

"HONEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!?"

"Aw, what? I'm kinda in the middle of something, here!"

"YOU LEFT YOUR SNICKERDOODLES AT HOME! DON'T WORRY, I'M ALWAYS THERE FOR YOU, HONEY!"

OK, really? Who was stupid enough to put an ExplodingTNT reference in my fanfic? Oh, wait...

"I have such a loving mother. OK, back to the EPIC potion thing again. *Ahem* Now my EPIC potion of EPICNESS is finally-"

May I have a word with you for a second?

"Oh, come on! Ugh, fine. Just make it quick."

He somehow breaks fourth wall to talk with me. I'll be right back...

"...let me..."

...STOP BEING AWESOME!...

"Never!..."

...make you...

"...fine."

So, after that slightly frustrating conversation, I uh...persuaded him to do things my way. You know you're a bad author if you can't control your characters...(!)

"Anyway, back to where I was...Oh, EPIC potion of EPICNESS. I hope that you'll uh...make me EPIC. Wow. This is one bad script."

Just for the record, you were saying basically the same thing, like, a minute ago.

"..."

Do it already. I'm the only reason you exist.

"Daw, fine! I'll drink the stupid thing already!" *glug, glug, glug*

By the way, where was that dog you had a few minutes ago? You were supposed to test the "EPIC" potion on it first.

"Uh oh."

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go hide in a bomb shelter. Goodbye.

"WHAT!?"

Spider started transforming into this freaky, black, multi-eyed, and giant...uh, thing.

"BARRY ANGRYYYY! BARRY SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!"

Is it just me, or have I turned this thing into-

"SMAAAAAASH!"

Or, I've been too lazy to write an actual ending and just let myself get crushed by this...this...regular spider you see in Minecraft. Oh.

* * *

**And, there you have it. Lazy ending. Tadaah. But, again, I don't know what to do next. You can give me a suggestion in the reviews (but I'd appreciate it if you actually wrote a review), and nothing else. Well, there was an obvious Hulk reference, but... That's really all I have to say for now. The end. Later. Goodbye. So long. Thanks and see ya!**

**-Lord Lizalfos**


End file.
